Love is, Love Ain't

All the Single Ladies – Wedding/Engagement Season 2011

Posted on: June 4, 2011

Today one of my friends called me to talk about her boyfriend, other guys who are tripping over themselves to take her boyfriend’s spot, and her favorite topic – my singleness and lack of desire to marry just anybody. So she calls to talk about next weekend’s wedding (her cousin’s – and also my really good friend’s – wedding). She then names like five other people who are recently engaged, and I get excited with each announcement because I love me some love and really love when people find their calling of marriage. I then try to have a really serious conversation with her about marriage – I share that I’m sure I’m not ready for it, and it’s a possibility that it is not my calling (I’m really serious about my belief that marriage is a spiritual gift and calling). So as always she interjects and says, “You’re just going to be all alone with your 15 cats.” Yes, roll your eyes here if you would like – I won’t judge you. I took a deep breath and reminded her that I’m not responsible enough for animals and that I needed to go.

I thought that we had at least punched the patriarchy hard enough that people had stopped saying and insinuating such archaic ideas. But it didn’t bother me as much because I’ve realized that my journey to the union God has designed for me is a really private one. I can’t expect all of my friends to understand that for me marriage won’t work if I am not complete by myself. I don’t need someone to complete me – I need someone to help me get tax breaks. Just kidding – kinda. ☺

So I did state earlier that I want the journey to my union to be really private, but I’m willing to share so that other single ladies who may be placed in really awkward conversations and experiences (especially during this wedding season) will know that they are not alone. I want to share the really corny thing I do to stay realistic about my marriage ideas: I write letters to my future permanent boo in my journal. It was originally designed to be a gift to him when I realized that he is my permanent boo, but two very wise ladies encouraged me to just keep it to myself and use it as a reflection and guide to what I want. I haven’t had time to write in it lately, but I decided to read it and found one that I will share with you.

Dear honey pot,

I’m waiting for you – and it’s much easier now than when I first started writing you. No, I don’t know who you are, but I still love you. I thought that the first dance at our wedding reception would be “International Players Anthem” by UGK & Outkast, but it will be “The Makings of You” by Curtis Mayfield. You’re affecting me already, and we aren’t even engaged! I love you!!!

Laugh at it, analyze it, or be inspired by my silly, corny letters, but ladies, this wedding season when you are assaulted with sexist comments and questions or are played like you’re desperate to get married, just do something corny like me – imagine your future permanent boo – if marriage is your thing – and pretend you are sharing your encounter with the wedding and baby police to remind yourself that you don’t have to be married with kids by 30. And if marriage is not your thing, remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and continue to stick it to the patriarchy! ☺

4 Responses to "All the Single Ladies – Wedding/Engagement Season 2011"

“No, I don’t know who you are, but I still love you.”

Hmmm. I’m of the SGL persuasion and the truth is, over the past 10 years I’ve grown so much (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) and I marvel at the fact that I now understand the meaning of that sentiment.


Favorite part: “…marriage won’t work if I am not complete by myself. I don’t need someone to complete me…” Amen, amen, amen! So many people don’t get that you have to love yourself for all that you are before you can expect someone else to do the same. Say it, girl!

“I can’t expect all of my friends to understand that for me marriage won’t work if I am not complete by myself.” Yes! I love this. So many women get caught up in the ritual of marriage, the ceremony, all of the hoopla about it being “your special day,” but neglect to realize that it’s really about two complete people who have learned over time that they are each other’s perfectly imperfect complement. I am so with you on this, because we need to be truly happy within ourselves before we can hope to become someone’s life partner.

And we were just talking about your HoneyPot journal yesterday! I’m so glad that you are still writing in it. Lydia said, “If she ain’t writing him, he ain’t coming!” Wise woman indeed.

Amen, y’all (and yes I know I’m late)! @sistaoutsider, tell Lydia I love her, and yes, I’m gonna keep writing!

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