Love is, Love Ain't

Posts Tagged ‘men

Today one of my friends called me to talk about her boyfriend, other guys who are tripping over themselves to take her boyfriend’s spot, and her favorite topic – my singleness and lack of desire to marry just anybody. So she calls to talk about next weekend’s wedding (her cousin’s – and also my really good friend’s – wedding). She then names like five other people who are recently engaged, and I get excited with each announcement because I love me some love and really love when people find their calling of marriage. I then try to have a really serious conversation with her about marriage – I share that I’m sure I’m not ready for it, and it’s a possibility that it is not my calling (I’m really serious about my belief that marriage is a spiritual gift and calling). So as always she interjects and says, “You’re just going to be all alone with your 15 cats.” Yes, roll your eyes here if you would like – I won’t judge you. I took a deep breath and reminded her that I’m not responsible enough for animals and that I needed to go.

I thought that we had at least punched the patriarchy hard enough that people had stopped saying and insinuating such archaic ideas. But it didn’t bother me as much because I’ve realized that my journey to the union God has designed for me is a really private one. I can’t expect all of my friends to understand that for me marriage won’t work if I am not complete by myself. I don’t need someone to complete me – I need someone to help me get tax breaks. Just kidding – kinda. ☺

So I did state earlier that I want the journey to my union to be really private, but I’m willing to share so that other single ladies who may be placed in really awkward conversations and experiences (especially during this wedding season) will know that they are not alone. I want to share the really corny thing I do to stay realistic about my marriage ideas: I write letters to my future permanent boo in my journal. It was originally designed to be a gift to him when I realized that he is my permanent boo, but two very wise ladies encouraged me to just keep it to myself and use it as a reflection and guide to what I want. I haven’t had time to write in it lately, but I decided to read it and found one that I will share with you.

Dear honey pot,

I’m waiting for you – and it’s much easier now than when I first started writing you. No, I don’t know who you are, but I still love you. I thought that the first dance at our wedding reception would be “International Players Anthem” by UGK & Outkast, but it will be “The Makings of You” by Curtis Mayfield. You’re affecting me already, and we aren’t even engaged! I love you!!!

Laugh at it, analyze it, or be inspired by my silly, corny letters, but ladies, this wedding season when you are assaulted with sexist comments and questions or are played like you’re desperate to get married, just do something corny like me – imagine your future permanent boo – if marriage is your thing – and pretend you are sharing your encounter with the wedding and baby police to remind yourself that you don’t have to be married with kids by 30. And if marriage is not your thing, remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and continue to stick it to the patriarchy! ☺

Back in January I grieved the engagement of the one guy I consistently wanted to share my life with. And whenever I grieve anyone or anything, I have to find a theme song. As I thought about how egregious it was that he chose someone without at least trying it with me first, my emotions welled up deep inside of me and as I waited for the tears to roll uncontrollably down my face (and they didn’t), I turned to Jay-Z and decided to let his “Song Cry.” Because all I could hear was Jay saying, “I was gone get right back…”

So after I zoned out with Jay and his story about a relationship that diverged in his transformation into a star, I realized that I had been bamboozled by the “Get Right Back” play. That though I should have never emotionally tangled myself up with someone who always had something else – he had a girlfriend when I first met him, he was too hurt by her betrayal when we were both single and living in the same city, he wanted to build his career and travel the world – he was gone get right back.

Well he did get right back. He sent me an e-mail back in October, and I was ecstatic!! Yes, he got back – maybe this would be the beginning of our perfecting timing. I e-mailed him back – he e-mailed me – and we had a tennis match over e-mail. Finally, I decided I would act like a grown woman and say how about you give me a call sometime. He never e-mailed again or called, so I figured – he was gone get right back. Fast forward to January and he announces he is engaged. Well, no getting back on that. One of my best friends still thinks we’re meant to be and has concocted a plan for us to crash his wedding with an unsolicited objection. It would be fun in a motion-picture sort of way, but I’m single (by choice), not desperate.

I had previously written this post and didn’t post it because I didn’t have an optimistic type of life lesson to add to it, but I thought it would fun to add as I will try to pay homage to wedding season 2011. A single girl has got to have fun while people continue to ask her why she’s not married yet or what’s wrong with her  – doesn’t she? ☺


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