Love is, Love Ain't

A Failure to Communicate

Posted on: May 24, 2011

So in just a few minutes, I was scheduled to get on a plane for a nice little trip to a corner of the Midwest. However, I’m going to miss that flight, because the trip on which I was to embark has been postponed, indefinitely.  Ok, it was cancelled.  A few months ago I mentioned that I was interested in a lovely young woman, and we seemed to be getting along quite nicely.  Rather abruptly, though, she decided that she “wasn’t the one” and didn’t think that “she could be the girlfriend I deserved” and just as quickly as it started, it was over.

While I’m not angry at her, I am a bit disappointed in her delivery of this message. It was by text. There is no doubt that we didn’t see eye-to-eye on a couple of issues, but I was still a little perturbed by what I see as the ultimate act of cowardice in this type of situation.  The failure to communicate in person or at least by phone, your need to end a budding relationship, is just as powerful as a slap in the face. It sends the message that you are unworthy of direct communication.  While I do not believe that about myself at all, I have to admit that it took a great deal of self-control not to call her up and demand an explanation. Why didn’t I call her, you ask? Because she’s right. She’s not the one for me. And although we had a wonderful time together and got along really well, our relationship expectations were completely different. Needless to say, we couldn’t work it out.

So in the spirit of catharsis and a keen desire to prevent my dear readers from making a similar snafu, here are a few ways that you can surmise whether or not your current honey is “The One” for you: (Not all of these are issues that we dealt with, but  some are things I’ve thought about since we’ve parted ways.)

  • You don’t communicate often or well.  If you like to talk a lot and your honey would rather not, you may want to reconsider how you plan to move forward in your relationship when you really don’t have much to talk about.  There is no doubt that sometimes life gets in the way: added responsibilities at work, family crises, or just plain exhaustion. But if you are really interested in maintaining a relationship, you’ve got to communicate often, and well.
  • Related to the previous point is the method by which you communicate.  Each time the Bunny and I had a disagreement, (if I recall correctly) it seemed to start with a text message.  There should be guidelines on the types of communication that can be had by text.  Tone, emotion, and intent are sometimes lost in those 140 character bytes, and once you hit the send button, you can’t take it back. So my advice to you is if it’s important, just wait for her to call you.
  • If you are in a long distance situation, consistent communication is paramount to the success of the relationship.  At the end of the day, it’s all you really have to stay connected to each other until you meet again.  Now, folks have varying opinions on how that should happen, but I have friends who Skype every night, or spend an hour on the phone catching up. Some even plan phone dates. The important thing is that you stay connected to each other and that you do it often.
  • Is your potential date really interested in a serious relationship, or is she looking for a girlfriend of the “add and stir” variety? By add and stir I mean is she ready to make you a part of her life, or does she just want to find a place for you on her oh so busy schedule? I’m being a little flip, but I think this is the straw that broke the camel’s back for me and the Bunny.  And as a matter of fact, about a month before we called it quits, I asked her if she really had time for girlfriend. She got pretty upset and we almost ended it then. In retrospect, I believe I hit a nerve. I NEVER expect to be placed before faith or family, but years ago, there was a point at which I realized that I do not want to be fifth or sixth down somebody’s priority list.
  • Related tangentially to that is the notion that at some point, you have to decide how to integrate the disparate parts of your life together in order to make time and space for all of the things that are important to you.  If baby girl gets pissed if you text or call her when she’s with her friends, then she may not be ready to tie the knot.  Or she’s got something to hide. Either way, she may not be ready to give up living the single life for the sake of the relationship. And if you are, then she is not the one for you.
  • Finally, if she is in the closet and you are not, it will probably become a problem at some point.  Now don’t get your panties in a bunch, I realize that coming out is a process and not everyone is able to do it. HOWEVER, if you are out and proud, or just out, this may become an issue down the road. One thing about this that bothers me (and I’m sure I’ll get some heat for saying it), is the notion that by living a double life (if that is what one is doing), then one has learned the art of deception.  And by that I mean that you’ve had to create smoke and mirrors for your family or whomever you aren’t out to in order to keep your secret safe. And to be honest, if you are able to do this, then how can I really know how you feel about me?  No doubt this does NOT hold true for everyone, but I’ve had to learn this lesson the hard way.  For some, it’s easier to live the lie than to confront the truth.
  • And in the words of my girl M-Boogie, you don’t have to lie to kick it.  If all you want to do is have a good time, or just want a girl as an accessory, then just say so. There are lots of women out there that are cool with that. However, if you are really interested in having a serious, meaningful relationship, then you will actually have to put some work in. That may mean more than a date once a month or a phone call every few days.  You may actually have to make a few adjustments in your life. If you aren’t ready to or can’t do that, then not only are you not the one for me, you may not be the one for anyone.

13 Responses to "A Failure to Communicate"

I’m so sorry things didn’t work out, but you are right and I really agree with your list. It seems romantic relationships and the physical and emotional commitment they require aren’t all that different, whether straight or gay. We are all human and share the same needs and desires. Love and hugs my friend! And continued luck in your search for The One. 🙂

Thanks, AMo! Every dating experience is a lesson learned, so I harbor no ill will at all. I suspect the one will find me when it’s time. 🙂

Preach! I think these points in all types of relationships platonic and romantic. I hate text, by nature I am very sarcastic and that does not come across well via text most of the time. I am trying to work on my communication. Thanks for the post. I am glad you are able to see the lessons in the relationship with Bunny.

Thanks, Tab! As matter of fact, I am too, which is how the whole thing snowballed in the first place. Either way, it’s done, and I’m no worse off for it.

Yeah, people don’t understand how easy it is to misinterpret someone’s text!

Great advice! Commitments are designed for those who are willing to work. The only way you can have cake and eat it too is if you worked with your partner to gather the ingredients, bake it, assemble/ice it, and decorate it. Too many people looking for the other person to do all the work while they reap the emotional benefits. You are better because of the experience you had and closer to being connected to the person that is designed for you!

Thanks, Boogie!

And, uh, when are you going to write another post? 🙂

I’ll work on one soon! 🙂

Wow! I totally agree with your ways of knowing “if your honey is the one for you”…especially “communication” since it will make or break your relationship. And omg don’t let me begin with communicating thru text. I absolutely dislike having a heated conversation thru text. Honestly, I feel like Bunny is a coward for communicating her feelings about the relationship thru text. But I’m also sure if you were to go back and rewind her actions within the relationship, you will see ALL the red flags. For many reasons, some of us ignore these signs. I know I have been there in the past.

Nonetheless, Bunny can go kick rocks! And I hope you have changed your flight to DC or Atlanta for Black Pride. That’s where all the honeys are at. I know many ladies including myself who have met their mates by traveling to pride in different states. So do your thang this summer without anymore Bunnies 😉

Thanks, Globe! To be honest with you, the “flags” were discussed and addressed (so I thought), so I don’t really have to go back and look for them, they were always with us. I have been accused of “giving up too quick” or not giving folks a chance, and in this case, we seemed to be a good match so the “flags” seemed to be things we could overcome. I guess I was wrong!

I will continue to “go with my gut” (like refusing to date folks who are still in the closet with their families, or who really haven’t dated in a long, long time) because those seem to be indicators of larger issues. I just don’t think this one was really ready to do what it takes to be in a relationship and her past relationship experiences might have skewed her perspective on what a partnership is/could be. I just don’t think she was ready for a grown @ss woman, (or at least not this one!) as indicated by her actions. Either way, I’m good, and I’m sure Ms. Right is out there.

I’m from GA so I’ve been to ATL Pride, (same women every year!) so I won’t go to that one, but I might try to find somewhere to hang in July since I’m going to see my family in June. I need a travel buddy though!

Sistaoutsider:
“…if you are really interested in having a serious, meaningful relationship, then you will actually have to put some work in. That may mean more than a date once a month or a phone call every few days. You may actually have to make a few adjustments in your life. If you aren’t ready to or can’t do that, then not only are you not the one for me, you may not be the one for anyone.”

Well said. Very well said, indeed!

Hey, Truth! How have you been?

I am doing well. Thank you for asking :)!

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