Love is, Love Ain't

Posts Tagged ‘single black female

I seriously thought my blog about What Chili Wants would be only one part, but since I watch the show regularly, I could not help but blog again about what we can learn from Chili.  So Chili and Floyd (UGH!!) hang out some more.  He basically ignores her while they are at Six Flags – he’s too busy having fun with his entourage.  This prompts Chili to finally have the talk that they should have had a long time ago.  I can’t remember what she says specifically, but she wanted to know if she and Floyd would be in that weird space they titled “friendship” forever. I heard Floyd loud and clear though when he called their relationship a friendship.  And I have learned from my own experiences that that is all I need to hear to cue my exit from a weird friendship.

What I have also learned is that you can never change another person; however, you can change yourself and can get out of these paralyzing “friendships.” Here’s a list of statements that your “friend” of over a year (I’m being lenient with this time period) should not be saying:

“I don’t want to get hurt.” – No one wants to get hurt.  This is really irrelevant, and I’m not trying to be coldhearted.  Ok, if you want to be specific about past heartbreak, family/relationship issues – fine, I’ll listen.  But you need to understand that there are very few people who have not been hurt or affected by someone else’s heartbreak and pain.  Don’t allow him to keep saying this to you for an extended period of time.

“I’m scared.” – Fear can be healthy in some cases.  After 3 weeks of knowing someone, you should be scared to make a commitment or move in with this person.  However, remember we’re talking about knowing this “friend” for a year or more.  Maybe he means he’s scared that you will find out that his intentions have never been to be your friend with the possibility of being your man but a lukewarm relationship parasite.

Anything with “just friends” or “our friendship” – Hello, no matter how many diamonds, dinners, private Six Flags trips he has given you, if he’s saying this word or combinations of this word he’s being loud and clear – you’re only friends.  Please, take him at his word.  I would even suggest that you not accept his lavish gifts.  Accepting the extravagant gifts is one of the signs that you’re OK that your love for him is “in the layaway for a rainy day.”

“I can’t see the future.” – Well, guess what, no one can (generally speaking).  However, after spending significant time with someone especially over the period of a year, you know something.  This person knows enough that will allow him to take the risk to see what the future could hold.  Part of me believes that this statement reveals that this person does know what the future holds, and I’m 95% sure it’s not you.  Sorry 😦  *hugs*

“Women are my weakness.” – Actually, he should never be saying this if you are in that weird maybe-more-than-friendship relationship.  He is actually playing you from the start.  If you really value his friendship, you should make sure that it is clear that he knows that you want to just be friends and then inform him of the standards you have for your friendships.  This means no evening romantic dinners, no extravagant trips/gifts, no spending nights at each other’s places and having closet/drawer space, and no sex.  Sorry, I digressed. 🙂

I’m not bashing male friendships.  I established in Part I that I have some fantastic male friends.  I also believe that it is so important that your partner is also your friend.  But I also believe that sometimes your friend has to be just your friend.  And if someone is your friend, they don’t play games with your emotions.  He doesn’t lead you to believe there could be more at some point.  He will encourage you during all parts of your journey even your dating journey. He will remind you that there are so many great men out there, and you will be so lucky that you can call him your friend.

And sometimes when you find that your wonderful male friend is the man of your dreams, it won’t be because he led you on at some point but that he carries the qualities you would like your mate to have.  He will have proven to be faithful and respectful during your entire friendship.  He will not take the opportunity for you two to be more for granted.  Don’t dismiss all your male friends or stop making male friends – just be very clear about what is going on.

 

Recently at a party, a friend of mine and an associate got on the subject of how hard it is to date because of their past dating experiences.  Here’s how this conversation went:

One said, “You know, when you’ve been hurt, it’s hard to deal with the next man.”

The other cosigned, “Yeah, because I refuse to be mistreated by the next guy.  I’m not going to fall into the same traps like before.”

A male friend (I’ve never dated him before, but I think he’s a great guy) interjected and said, “Whoa, you all have got to stop allowing the hurt from the past men influence how you approach the next guy – you’re not going to find anyone that way.”

I sat there silently saying to myself, “Amen to that!”   My friend yells out, “But I refuse to be naive!”

Folks, this is where I had to jump in.  “Well, he’s right, you can’t let the liar, cheater, scumbag, jerk, asshole, or whoever you’ve been dating negatively influence how you approach the next guy…”

My friend cut me off before I could finish.  I guess she thought I was not qualified to say that.  I mean, I was sitting next to my date, whom everyone affectionately calls “boo” behind his back, and I obviously wasn’t having a shortage of men (in terms of quantity more so than quality) to choose from.  But the “boo” sitting next to me was all the reason I needed to be qualified to speak about how to deal with the next man.

Before I met “boo” I had spent way too long going back and forth with a wonderful man who I thought I would marry, share my life with, and start a family.  One day he decided that he no longer wanted to be my wonderful friend but a jerk and sperm donor.  I mean, really??  After that, I just wanted to not deal with men for awhile.  When “boo”asked me out (and my friend made me accept), I had to really make a conscious effort to give him a fair chance and use my unfortunate experience with my last potential husband to know what my standards will be and not become an expert at finding people’s faults.  And this my friend is where I think we should join Kanye West and have a toast – a toast for the jerks, the sperm donors, the assholes, the men who pretend they want marriage just so you will stick around but they never intend on marrying, oops sorry, had a flashback on the last one. 🙂  So here are my toast speeches – feel free to steal them and tailor them to your encounters in your previous experiences with like or love!

For the jerks…

Thanks for making me feel like something was seriously wrong with me.  It made me take time to personally reflect on who M-boogie is and realize my self-worth.  Otherwise I would have been OK with just being good enough.  But no, I found out that your insecurities, self-hate, and unresolved issues had nothing to do with me.  I am actually beautiful, smart, sweet, and caring.  I know these things for sure, and I believe it so much in my very core that the men I share my time with will remind me that I am all those things and more.

For the sperm donors…

Thanks for your continuous requests for me to be your baby’s mother (not wife, just baby’s mama).  I must be sexy as hell!  I must have taken such good care of you that you wanted to not only have beautiful babies but you also wanted to entrust your legacy (and your paycheck) in my care.  At first I thought you were trying to trap me to be your love machine and to have court orders that require us to see each other when we exchange the babies for visitations over the next 18 years, but after trying to look at the bright side of our lame encounter, I see you just didn’t know how to communicate to me how sexy and caring I really am.

For the assholes…

Oh, assholes, I really want to thank you.  Your ignorant, narcissistic, hateful, cold-blooded, downright evil existence is worthless.  However, had I not met you, I would have been unequipped to…well, actually I can’t even sarcastically thank you because I don’t want to thank you, but cheers to me running away from any future assholes (and men with asshole-like tendencies) as fast as I can!

These toast are really all about taking our experiences and using them as foundations to become better people equipped to interact with those who are worthy of our time and attention.  So many times we take our bad dating/relationship experiences and become better at figuring out what is wrong with the next person instead of figuring out what we truly want for our lives of love.  Sometimes the hurt can seem too much to bear, but pop some bottles and make some toasts because we will share our lives with some amazing humans who won’t be perfect but who will be perfect for us in the stage of life that we are in.


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