Love is, Love Ain't

Posts Tagged ‘black relationships

I have really been working hard to establish standards that are clear.  I haven’t met anyone new that I have had to establish standards with, but new boo still shows strong interest, and I have had to continually uphold those standards I have set with him.  I have listened to stories of other friends dating and been scolded continuously by my close friend because I’m not working hard to find (or keep) a man, and I began to question if I really knew how to compromise.  My ex likes to say I don’t know how to compromise, but I guess it all depends on who you are asking.

So I have been working on listening to the greater influence within me, and as I asked, “Do I know how to compromise?” I received almost an immediate answer.  A pretty important man in college football these days said, “Accept and tolerate only that which you want to encourage.”  This is some of the best advice I have received in a while, and I knew that it would be invaluable across the board in my relationships.  So I just had to share this on the blog.  Remember:  Accept and tolerate only that which you want to encourage.

I seriously thought my blog about What Chili Wants would be only one part, but since I watch the show regularly, I could not help but blog again about what we can learn from Chili.  So Chili and Floyd (UGH!!) hang out some more.  He basically ignores her while they are at Six Flags – he’s too busy having fun with his entourage.  This prompts Chili to finally have the talk that they should have had a long time ago.  I can’t remember what she says specifically, but she wanted to know if she and Floyd would be in that weird space they titled “friendship” forever. I heard Floyd loud and clear though when he called their relationship a friendship.  And I have learned from my own experiences that that is all I need to hear to cue my exit from a weird friendship.

What I have also learned is that you can never change another person; however, you can change yourself and can get out of these paralyzing “friendships.” Here’s a list of statements that your “friend” of over a year (I’m being lenient with this time period) should not be saying:

“I don’t want to get hurt.” – No one wants to get hurt.  This is really irrelevant, and I’m not trying to be coldhearted.  Ok, if you want to be specific about past heartbreak, family/relationship issues – fine, I’ll listen.  But you need to understand that there are very few people who have not been hurt or affected by someone else’s heartbreak and pain.  Don’t allow him to keep saying this to you for an extended period of time.

“I’m scared.” – Fear can be healthy in some cases.  After 3 weeks of knowing someone, you should be scared to make a commitment or move in with this person.  However, remember we’re talking about knowing this “friend” for a year or more.  Maybe he means he’s scared that you will find out that his intentions have never been to be your friend with the possibility of being your man but a lukewarm relationship parasite.

Anything with “just friends” or “our friendship” – Hello, no matter how many diamonds, dinners, private Six Flags trips he has given you, if he’s saying this word or combinations of this word he’s being loud and clear – you’re only friends.  Please, take him at his word.  I would even suggest that you not accept his lavish gifts.  Accepting the extravagant gifts is one of the signs that you’re OK that your love for him is “in the layaway for a rainy day.”

“I can’t see the future.” – Well, guess what, no one can (generally speaking).  However, after spending significant time with someone especially over the period of a year, you know something.  This person knows enough that will allow him to take the risk to see what the future could hold.  Part of me believes that this statement reveals that this person does know what the future holds, and I’m 95% sure it’s not you.  Sorry 😦  *hugs*

“Women are my weakness.” – Actually, he should never be saying this if you are in that weird maybe-more-than-friendship relationship.  He is actually playing you from the start.  If you really value his friendship, you should make sure that it is clear that he knows that you want to just be friends and then inform him of the standards you have for your friendships.  This means no evening romantic dinners, no extravagant trips/gifts, no spending nights at each other’s places and having closet/drawer space, and no sex.  Sorry, I digressed. 🙂

I’m not bashing male friendships.  I established in Part I that I have some fantastic male friends.  I also believe that it is so important that your partner is also your friend.  But I also believe that sometimes your friend has to be just your friend.  And if someone is your friend, they don’t play games with your emotions.  He doesn’t lead you to believe there could be more at some point.  He will encourage you during all parts of your journey even your dating journey. He will remind you that there are so many great men out there, and you will be so lucky that you can call him your friend.

And sometimes when you find that your wonderful male friend is the man of your dreams, it won’t be because he led you on at some point but that he carries the qualities you would like your mate to have.  He will have proven to be faithful and respectful during your entire friendship.  He will not take the opportunity for you two to be more for granted.  Don’t dismiss all your male friends or stop making male friends – just be very clear about what is going on.

 


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