Love is, Love Ain't

Posts Tagged ‘black love

Recently at a party, a friend of mine and an associate got on the subject of how hard it is to date because of their past dating experiences.  Here’s how this conversation went:

One said, “You know, when you’ve been hurt, it’s hard to deal with the next man.”

The other cosigned, “Yeah, because I refuse to be mistreated by the next guy.  I’m not going to fall into the same traps like before.”

A male friend (I’ve never dated him before, but I think he’s a great guy) interjected and said, “Whoa, you all have got to stop allowing the hurt from the past men influence how you approach the next guy – you’re not going to find anyone that way.”

I sat there silently saying to myself, “Amen to that!”   My friend yells out, “But I refuse to be naive!”

Folks, this is where I had to jump in.  “Well, he’s right, you can’t let the liar, cheater, scumbag, jerk, asshole, or whoever you’ve been dating negatively influence how you approach the next guy…”

My friend cut me off before I could finish.  I guess she thought I was not qualified to say that.  I mean, I was sitting next to my date, whom everyone affectionately calls “boo” behind his back, and I obviously wasn’t having a shortage of men (in terms of quantity more so than quality) to choose from.  But the “boo” sitting next to me was all the reason I needed to be qualified to speak about how to deal with the next man.

Before I met “boo” I had spent way too long going back and forth with a wonderful man who I thought I would marry, share my life with, and start a family.  One day he decided that he no longer wanted to be my wonderful friend but a jerk and sperm donor.  I mean, really??  After that, I just wanted to not deal with men for awhile.  When “boo”asked me out (and my friend made me accept), I had to really make a conscious effort to give him a fair chance and use my unfortunate experience with my last potential husband to know what my standards will be and not become an expert at finding people’s faults.  And this my friend is where I think we should join Kanye West and have a toast – a toast for the jerks, the sperm donors, the assholes, the men who pretend they want marriage just so you will stick around but they never intend on marrying, oops sorry, had a flashback on the last one. 🙂  So here are my toast speeches – feel free to steal them and tailor them to your encounters in your previous experiences with like or love!

For the jerks…

Thanks for making me feel like something was seriously wrong with me.  It made me take time to personally reflect on who M-boogie is and realize my self-worth.  Otherwise I would have been OK with just being good enough.  But no, I found out that your insecurities, self-hate, and unresolved issues had nothing to do with me.  I am actually beautiful, smart, sweet, and caring.  I know these things for sure, and I believe it so much in my very core that the men I share my time with will remind me that I am all those things and more.

For the sperm donors…

Thanks for your continuous requests for me to be your baby’s mother (not wife, just baby’s mama).  I must be sexy as hell!  I must have taken such good care of you that you wanted to not only have beautiful babies but you also wanted to entrust your legacy (and your paycheck) in my care.  At first I thought you were trying to trap me to be your love machine and to have court orders that require us to see each other when we exchange the babies for visitations over the next 18 years, but after trying to look at the bright side of our lame encounter, I see you just didn’t know how to communicate to me how sexy and caring I really am.

For the assholes…

Oh, assholes, I really want to thank you.  Your ignorant, narcissistic, hateful, cold-blooded, downright evil existence is worthless.  However, had I not met you, I would have been unequipped to…well, actually I can’t even sarcastically thank you because I don’t want to thank you, but cheers to me running away from any future assholes (and men with asshole-like tendencies) as fast as I can!

These toast are really all about taking our experiences and using them as foundations to become better people equipped to interact with those who are worthy of our time and attention.  So many times we take our bad dating/relationship experiences and become better at figuring out what is wrong with the next person instead of figuring out what we truly want for our lives of love.  Sometimes the hurt can seem too much to bear, but pop some bottles and make some toasts because we will share our lives with some amazing humans who won’t be perfect but who will be perfect for us in the stage of life that we are in.


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