A Failure to Communicate

Posted by: Stephanie Andrea Allen on: May 24, 2011

• In: Dating | Lesbian dating
• 13 Comments

So in just a few minutes, I was scheduled to get on a plane for a nice little trip to a corner of the Midwest. However, I’m going to miss that flight, because the trip on which I was to embark has been postponed, indefinitely.  Ok, it was cancelled.  A few months ago I mentioned that I was interested in a lovely young woman, and we seemed to be getting along quite nicely.  Rather abruptly, though, she decided that she “wasn’t the one” and didn’t think that “she could be the girlfriend I deserved” and just as quickly as it started, it was over.

While I’m not angry at her, I am a bit disappointed in her delivery of this message. It was by text. There is no doubt that we didn’t see eye-to-eye on a couple of issues, but I was still a little perturbed by what I see as the ultimate act of cowardice in this type of situation.  The failure to communicate in person or at least by phone, your need to end a budding relationship, is just as powerful as a slap in the face. It sends the message that you are unworthy of direct communication.  While I do not believe that about myself at all, I have to admit that it took a great deal of self-control not to call her up and demand an explanation. Why didn’t I call her, you ask? Because she’s right. She’s not the one for me. And although we had a wonderful time together and got along really well, our relationship expectations were completely different. Needless to say, we couldn’t work it out.

So in the spirit of catharsis and a keen desire to prevent my dear readers from making a similar snafu, here are a few ways that you can surmise whether or not your current honey is “The One” for you: (Not all of these are issues that we dealt with, but  some are things I’ve thought about since we’ve parted ways.)

• You don’t communicate often or well.  If you like to talk a lot and your honey would rather not, you may want to reconsider how you plan to move forward in your relationship when you really don’t have much to talk about.  There is no doubt that sometimes life gets in the way: added responsibilities at work, family crises, or just plain exhaustion. But if you are really interested in maintaining a relationship, you’ve got to communicate often, and well.
• Related to the previous point is the method by which you communicate.  Each time the Bunny and I had a disagreement, (if I recall correctly) it seemed to start with a text message.  There should be guidelines on the types of communication that can be had by text.  Tone, emotion, and intent are sometimes lost in those 140 character bytes, and once you hit the send button, you can’t take it back. So my advice to you is if it’s important, just wait for her to call you.
• If you are in a long distance situation, consistent communication is paramount to the success of the relationship.  At the end of the day, it’s all you really have to stay connected to each other until you meet again.  Now, folks have varying opinions on how that should happen, but I have friends who Skype every night, or spend an hour on the phone catching up. Some even plan phone dates. The important thing is that you stay connected to each other and that you do it often.
• Is your potential date really interested in a serious relationship, or is she looking for a girlfriend of the “add and stir” variety? By add and stir I mean is she ready to make you a part of her life, or does she just want to find a place for you on her oh so busy schedule? I’m being a little flip, but I think this is the straw that broke the camel’s back for me and the Bunny.  And as a matter of fact, about a month before we called it quits, I asked her if she really had time for girlfriend. She got pretty upset and we almost ended it then. In retrospect, I believe I hit a nerve. I NEVER expect to be placed before faith or family, but years ago, there was a point at which I realized that I do not want to be fifth or sixth down somebody’s priority list.
• Related tangentially to that is the notion that at some point, you have to decide how to integrate the disparate parts of your life together in order to make time and space for all of the things that are important to you.  If baby girl gets pissed if you text or call her when she’s with her friends, then she may not be ready to tie the knot.  Or she’s got something to hide. Either way, she may not be ready to give up living the single life for the sake of the relationship. And if you are, then she is not the one for you.
• Finally, if she is in the closet and you are not, it will probably become a problem at some point.  Now don’t get your panties in a bunch, I realize that coming out is a process and not everyone is able to do it. HOWEVER, if you are out and proud, or just out, this may become an issue down the road. One thing about this that bothers me (and I’m sure I’ll get some heat for saying it), is the notion that by living a double life (if that is what one is doing), then one has learned the art of deception.  And by that I mean that you’ve had to create smoke and mirrors for your family or whomever you aren’t out to in order to keep your secret safe. And to be honest, if you are able to do this, then how can I really know how you feel about me?  No doubt this does NOT hold true for everyone, but I’ve had to learn this lesson the hard way.  For some, it’s easier to live the lie than to confront the truth.
• And in the words of my girl M-Boogie, you don’t have to lie to kick it.  If all you want to do is have a good time, or just want a girl as an accessory, then just say so. There are lots of women out there that are cool with that. However, if you are really interested in having a serious, meaningful relationship, then you will actually have to put some work in. That may mean more than a date once a month or a phone call every few days.  You may actually have to make a few adjustments in your life. If you aren’t ready to or can’t do that, then not only are you not the one for me, you may not be the one for anyone.