Love is, Love Ain't

And She Say He’s Just a Friend… Pt. 2

Posted on: January 10, 2011

I seriously thought my blog about What Chili Wants would be only one part, but since I watch the show regularly, I could not help but blog again about what we can learn from Chili.  So Chili and Floyd (UGH!!) hang out some more.  He basically ignores her while they are at Six Flags – he’s too busy having fun with his entourage.  This prompts Chili to finally have the talk that they should have had a long time ago.  I can’t remember what she says specifically, but she wanted to know if she and Floyd would be in that weird space they titled “friendship” forever. I heard Floyd loud and clear though when he called their relationship a friendship.  And I have learned from my own experiences that that is all I need to hear to cue my exit from a weird friendship.

What I have also learned is that you can never change another person; however, you can change yourself and can get out of these paralyzing “friendships.” Here’s a list of statements that your “friend” of over a year (I’m being lenient with this time period) should not be saying:

“I don’t want to get hurt.” – No one wants to get hurt.  This is really irrelevant, and I’m not trying to be coldhearted.  Ok, if you want to be specific about past heartbreak, family/relationship issues – fine, I’ll listen.  But you need to understand that there are very few people who have not been hurt or affected by someone else’s heartbreak and pain.  Don’t allow him to keep saying this to you for an extended period of time.

“I’m scared.” – Fear can be healthy in some cases.  After 3 weeks of knowing someone, you should be scared to make a commitment or move in with this person.  However, remember we’re talking about knowing this “friend” for a year or more.  Maybe he means he’s scared that you will find out that his intentions have never been to be your friend with the possibility of being your man but a lukewarm relationship parasite.

Anything with “just friends” or “our friendship” – Hello, no matter how many diamonds, dinners, private Six Flags trips he has given you, if he’s saying this word or combinations of this word he’s being loud and clear – you’re only friends.  Please, take him at his word.  I would even suggest that you not accept his lavish gifts.  Accepting the extravagant gifts is one of the signs that you’re OK that your love for him is “in the layaway for a rainy day.”

“I can’t see the future.” – Well, guess what, no one can (generally speaking).  However, after spending significant time with someone especially over the period of a year, you know something.  This person knows enough that will allow him to take the risk to see what the future could hold.  Part of me believes that this statement reveals that this person does know what the future holds, and I’m 95% sure it’s not you.  Sorry 😦  *hugs*

“Women are my weakness.” – Actually, he should never be saying this if you are in that weird maybe-more-than-friendship relationship.  He is actually playing you from the start.  If you really value his friendship, you should make sure that it is clear that he knows that you want to just be friends and then inform him of the standards you have for your friendships.  This means no evening romantic dinners, no extravagant trips/gifts, no spending nights at each other’s places and having closet/drawer space, and no sex.  Sorry, I digressed. 🙂

I’m not bashing male friendships.  I established in Part I that I have some fantastic male friends.  I also believe that it is so important that your partner is also your friend.  But I also believe that sometimes your friend has to be just your friend.  And if someone is your friend, they don’t play games with your emotions.  He doesn’t lead you to believe there could be more at some point.  He will encourage you during all parts of your journey even your dating journey. He will remind you that there are so many great men out there, and you will be so lucky that you can call him your friend.

And sometimes when you find that your wonderful male friend is the man of your dreams, it won’t be because he led you on at some point but that he carries the qualities you would like your mate to have.  He will have proven to be faithful and respectful during your entire friendship.  He will not take the opportunity for you two to be more for granted.  Don’t dismiss all your male friends or stop making male friends – just be very clear about what is going on.

 

6 Responses to "And She Say He’s Just a Friend… Pt. 2"

I agree with your take on all of the comments highlighted on your list EXCEPT one:

1). “I don’t want to get hurt.” – No one wants to get hurt. This is really irrelevant, …”

Perhaps to You. But not necessarily “irrelevant” to someone else.

I can NOT tell you how many times, over the last several years (since I’ve been single) that I’ve told ladies right off the bat, “I’m fed-up with Black lesbian bullsh*t. I don’t want to get hurt again. I’m NOT ready for, or interersted in, another relationship anytime soon.”

Most of the time, they did NOT hear me! And it became frustrating for Me to have to keep repeating myself over and over again until, FINALLLY, she got the message. One lady actually give me *atttitude* as if I had said or done something wrong!?!

You said: “Don’t allow him to keep saying this to you for an extended period of time.”

I say: Don’t put a person in a position where he/She has to keep saying it for an extended period of time.

Okay…lol…I really CAN spell: “Finally” and “attitude.”

Hi, Truthiz, thanks for your comment.

I want to be clearer about my stance on the statement, “I don’t want to get hurt.” I’m literally focusing on that statement. And I’m talking about this statement being used after one has been “friends” for over a year. I think it’s important to communicate the fact that one does not want to get hurt early, maybe during the 3-6 month period, but after a year, it becomes a barrier. No one should have to wait or play psychologist for over a year with little or no progress, and the person who is seriously that hurt should not keep trying to use that as a reason not to move forward.

Like so many other people, I know heart break firsthand. A couple of years ago I lost two immediate family members suddenly within 9 months of each other. Then my ex led me on with no intentions of marrying me. I was crushed (and in some ways I still am). However, I cannot drag the new guy into a year long chorus of “I don’t want to get hurt.” He will hear me the first 6 months. He’s going to say to me, whether he means it or not, that it is not his intention to hurt me. He or I will make the move to commit, and if after a year I still want to talk about not wanting to get hurt, I should leave and work on myself. And if I don’t respect him enough to leave, he should leave me alone.

Although I am a hardcore tough lover, I hope this shows that I’m not insensitive to the pain of others.

boogiem:
“I’m talking about this statement being used after one has been “friends” for over a year.”

Believe it or not, so am I…:)

No joke. I have told ladies what the deal is (I just want friendship) from the start. I want them to know up front so they can make an informed decision as to whether or not they want to continue getting to know me. I’m not into games.

And let me be clear: I’m pretty darn Average looking…so this ain’t about me thinking I’m *all that*…no way…lol. But I knew that I wasn’t ready for anything beyond friendship, at that time!

Anyway, sjhe would say: “Okay.” …”I understand.” …”We’re just friends.”

HAH. The friendship would be going along just fine when….BANG! She’d bring up the subject of the “possibility of us taking it to the next level”….!?! This happened 9, 12, 18 months…H*ll 2 yrs later, which meant I had to periodically keep reminding her of Our *understanding* until she finally got the message_smh.

And NO. I didn’t engage in any *friends with benefits* activity…lol. I’m not into *casual* sex.

BTW: Not for a minute did I think you’re “insensitive to the pain of others.”

Appreciate the exchange though. Thanks!

Truthiz, thanks for bringing up the fact that there are very delusional people. No matter what you say and do, they just don’t hear you. These statements can also serve as signals to make someone stop and take a long look at herself and ask, “Am I taking this person at his/her word? Am I making things out to be more than they are?”

Thanks for reading the blog, and I can’t wait to keep discussing different topics with you! 🙂

“lukewarm relationship parasite”

Best. Phrase. Ever.

😀

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